If you would have asked me ten years ago where I saw myself in five, I never, in a million years, would have told you that I want to be a stay at home mom.

My goal was to graduate college, move to NYC and become an ad exec. Dreams, right? But then life happened.. I met this really cool guy that I kind of liked, and kind of liked turned into making my heart skip beats & he felt the same way so we got married and bought a house and never moved out of state.

We’ve been trying for… well, a long time. Like since we got married almost three years ago. I was so convinced that I didn’t have an actual problem that I put off seeking treatment. I finally saw my gyno in winter 2009, who sent me for bloodwork. He wasn’t happy with the results and referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist for further evaluation who ran 5 months worth of tests and diagnosed me with a syndrome called poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (which is really just a mouthful for jen is overweight with multiple cysts on both ovaries & probably can’t have kids (which I suppose is a mouthful too.))

Two years ago a “friend” was upset with me because we were trying to start a family, and she didn’t want a pregnant bridesmaid. Now I’m faced with another challenge… I’m in a wedding this summer, and the bride frequently questions when we will be pregnant. I’m sure she means well but I can’t tell you how painful it is every time she asks me if we’re pregnant yet. Or “do you know when you’ll be pregnant?” or “how far along do you think you’ll be in XX month?” I can’t predict these things, and if I could, I wouldn’t be undergoing fertility treatments. Does she not understand how insensitive it is to ask me these questions? That it kills me a little bit inside every time she asks me about us starting a family? That it’s seriously not a big deal for me to buy a bridesmaid dress because worst case scenario, I have to buy a larger dress (in case we are pregnant at her wedding) and have it taken in (if we aren’t). Or that it’s not her fucking business?

I’m undergoing another treatment right now. My RE Specialist doubled the dose & doubled the length of time I’m supposed to take Clomid, so this “double whammy” is really supposed to do the trick. If it doesn’t, then… we move on to something else, like an IUI. I’m supposed to test on February 13th/14th. Nothing like pressure, right? But in all seriousness, I already have my test bought. Because that’s what I do… get excited, anxious and hopeful.

It seems like everyone around me is pregnant, and every other day there is a new announcement on facebook that someone else is expecting. I try to feel excited for them, but I selfishly admit that a tiny part of me is jealous and wishing it were me. Jealousy is one of the ugliest emotions, yet I feel it all the time. I do my best to try to be strong, but hearing “Did you know that so-and-so is pregnant?” over and over again is a painful reminder that we are alone. That we don’t have kids. That we might not have kids. That I’m broken.

I have been hoping for joy, but preparing for heartache. There is absolutely no guarantee that we’ll ever become pregnant, but the odds are (thankfully) in our favor. But after several rounds of unsuccessful treatments, I can’t help but wonder if this will ever happen for us.